I walked in the theater thinking, “I know you’re going to suck. but please don’t suck as hard as last time.” Yep, the glory hole behind theater 2 at the Midtown Art Cinema is unpredictable these days, yet I keep turning up on Wednesdays. I also saw the new Indiana Jones last night.
YOU WANT GLORY HOLE JOKES, I GOT ‘EM. YOUR MOVE, LEONARD MALTIN!!! Oh, and Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny was pretty good. That is if you are okay with strong women, shirtless grandpas and a whackadoodle final act. Consider that your spoiler warning.
Well we got an 80-year-old Harrison Ford, a ton of budget and production problems and a release date a whopping 15 years after the franchise’s lone embarrassing entry, 2008’s Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. So my expectations were simple – I just wanted an improvement over that fridge-nuking mess. They could do that, right….RIGHT?
Correction of the Crystal Skull
We get about 7 minutes in, there’s a Wilhelm scream, John Williams’ score kicks in and Indy has killed three more Nazis than he did in the last movie, so already an improvement. No aliens, no CGI ants, no Shia La Jar Jar and the CGI de-aged Indy looks a hell of a lot better than Play Station 2 DeNiro in The Irishman. Apology accepted. That being said this isn’t quite Indy as you remember him, unless you’re into octogenarian porn.
It’s not the years, it’s the mi-…no wait it’s the years
Finally, we have the shirtless scene of Indy in his undies that everyone wanted…back in 1984. I kid, I kid. I liked this take on Indy. A boozing, old curmudgeon in Grandpa undies yelling at his neighbors makes a lot of sense considering he’s fricking 80. Twice the age Danny Glover was in Lethal Weapon, and he was too old for this shit!
I prefer this seeing his stunt double bounce off the walls in the last one. And as it turns out, he has a good reason for being a sullen grouch, which I’ll get to in a second but point being, it’s essential to the story to present Indy as a man out who at least thinks he’s outlived his usefulness. An invulnerable Indy at his age would have made no sense, but some people have a problem with that.
The Bad
Fleabag vs. Short Round
Not surprisingly, the internet has gone full Rose Tico on Phoebe Waller-Bridge for having a vagina. For the record, I wasn’t crazy about her character myself, and it had shit to do with her being a sociopath or a Mary Sue or whatever the fuck incels say.
I just found her too close to her character on Fleabag only her quips didn’t land. In fact, it resulted in some weird tonal issues and awkward dialogue exchanges. She also brought her own Short Round. Odd – but a helpful in covering potential plot holes.
But why do people have an issue with Helena saving Indy at the end? If anything the sidekick saving the main hero is a trope – fucking Short Round rescues him from Mola Ram at the end of Temple of Doom. Does that mean he made Indy a cuck?
“I would prevent my son enlisting.” Wait what? Holy shit. THAT’S what happened to Mutt? I mean I hated him but dying in Vietnam? That went dark – fast. Regardless, it’s a perfect way to explain his absence, fitting within the period’s historical context while also explaining why Indy has isolated from everyone.
Ironically, Shia LeBeouf brings a whole new level of depth to the story that he probably couldn’t have achieved if he were physically present in it. It’s really intriguing how the writers chose to say, “Poochie died on his way back to his home planet,” instead of taking a simpler route. By the way…
Don’t go away Mads
Also Mads Milkensen is a really smarmy Nazi with a great reveal – going back in time to kill Hitler and then lead Germany to victory in WWII? Well that’s awfully ambitious! Though I was a little disappointed his death wasn’t more gruesome. Couldn’t a roman hit his nutsack with a spear? Yea that’s right, I said, ‘Roman.”
Enchantment under the Siege
Wait, Indiana Jones travels through time? At this point, why the hell not? It’s presented in a way that makes sense in the context of the story. Plus, there’s only so many times Indy can throw a Nazi off moving vehicle. Why not chuck him in ancient Sicily?
Sure it plays like a Dr. Who episode but with a bigger budget, but I liked it. Indy staying in the ancient past seemed like fitting ending to the franchise. But you know what else is accepted in the Indy universe besides time travel? People who get knocked the fuck out with one punch. This time it’s Helena knocking out Indy to drag is old ass back to 1969. I’m sure the internet will have no problem with that.
Ironically, Shia LeBeouf brings a whole new level of depth to the story that he probably couldn’t have achieved if he were actually in the movie.
Memory Almost Full
And finally we do have the return of Marion Ravenwood, which was a nice touch. As I said there’s actually some restraint with the fan service and this is a nice bit of nostalgia that doesn’t pander. Though 20-40 minutes could have been lopped off this movie like so much foreskin.
Also shout out to the set dec guy for making Indy’s NY apartment look just like my Nana’s right down to the Grand Union shopping bags. Anyone remember Grand Union? Walbaum’s? Anyway…
If you compare it to Raiders, you won’t like it. If you compare it to Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, you will. But if you compare it to Raiders you probably complained that Paul McCartney’s Egypt Station isn’t as good as Rubber Soul. Can we just sit back and enjoy Flaming Pie?
Plot Hole: I don’t care about time travel plot holes because they never make sense. But why did Basil Shaw give the Dial to Indy only if he promised to destroy it? Why doesn’t he do it? You don’t have to drop it the fiery pits of Mordor, just hit it with a hammer.
Prediction: EthanIsidore, who played Teddy, the uh…Moroccan Short Round, will win Best Actor at the 2062 Oscars.
Stephen and Stanley at the Movies 