Tag Archives: horror

SINNERS VS. CROSSROADS PART TWO

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SINNERS (2025)

You’re racist if you don’t like this movie.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5.

Sorry I didn’t finish my earlier attempt at a Sinners review, I got distracted by a 39-year-old Ralph Macchio movie. AS I WAS SAYING…

It you merged From Dusk Till Dawn, Miller’s Crossing, Shaft, Goodfellas, The Twilight Zone, The Thing and Riverdance you would get Sinners. Ryan Coogler took all these moving parts to make a genre-defying, spooky masterpiece. If there’s one movie you need to see before major surgery- this, is it.

If you’re the kind of person that only goes to a movie theater once a year, make it Sinners. Ryan Coolger’s created a true movie-going experience, and nothing less than a gargantuan IMAX screen with bowel loosening surround sound will suffice here. For me it’s just not a five-star movie unless I shit myself in one of those reclining AMC chairs. In related news, avoid seat H12 at Madison Yards AMC, theater 2.

Last Train to Clarksdale
Immersive – I’ll say it again. Coogler really gives you a feel for what a racist, sweltering hellhole plantation-era Mississippi must have been as opposed to the racist, sweltering hellhole it is today. It feels like you know the exact date this film takes place, also they tell you – October 16th 1936. Which just so happens to be the day Robert Johnson supposedly made his deal with the devil. (See part 1) AND  HOLY SHIT – that’s the same date – October 16th, 1990, I stole that CD from Shop-Rite video! Nah, but can you imagine? That would be freaky. Point being Coogler really did his homework on this and it shows. There’s so many cool historical McNuggets, you need two viewings to see it all, luckily I did just that.

The actors are really good too. As the Smokestack twins, Michael B. Jordan has so much presence and charisma, you don’t even give a shit that he’s playing identical twins. You get to hear Halllie Steinfeld say all the filthy shit you dreamed of and the white guy who plays the Remmick the evil, uh, more evil vampire – was terrifying and a fine dancer.

The devil made me shoplift this CD

If you don’t have a convincing young bluesman, it all goes to shit.  Well, Ralph Macchio was booked on Karate Kid: Legends so they got someone named Miles Canto, who is a real musician apparently. This is his film debut as Sammie and shit – He’s the Scottie B. Pippen to Michael B. Jordan.  You need to believe he can play, sing and conjure spirits from another world, because that’s exactly what Sammie does in THAT ONE SCENE. If you’ve seen it, you know the one I’m talking about.

THAT ONE SCENE
It’s futile to try and describe, so let me try. Sammie finally plays a song in the club and what follows is one of the most mesmerizing and original sequences I’ve ever seen in non-porno film. Yes even The Flintbones. Not only that, it summarizes the theme of the movie, how all different kinds of music can be joyous, sexy, seductive and even evil. As the opening voice over said, “There are legends of people born with the gift of making music so true. It can pierce the veil between life and death.” Yea this movie is good but wait, where are the fucking vampires in this thing?

Sir, I suddenly find your manner as distasteful as your cognac.

– Blacula

The second half of Sinners is basically a conventional vampire movie, tropes and all. Until that point, Sinners could have been historical fiction, a gang movie, hell even a musical and it still would have been good.  The change in tone did seem abrupt to some and even I ask myself, “Do you even need vampires?” Yes. Fuck yes. Because the second half is one of the best vampire movies I’ve ever seen. Take that, Blacula!

Fun Fact: William Marshall, Blacula himself is also the King of Cartoons from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. WTF?

What if Max the Head Vampire was black?
If you thought the Irish were pale and scary, you should see Irish vampires. HIYOOOOOOOOO.
As I was saying in Remmick’s case, his motivations are relatable. It would have been easy to make him the white devil or a KKK guy (more on that later), instead he’s an Irishman who got fucked out his land, which adds more spice to the soufflé.

Obviously, a vampire can only enter you home if you invite him in, duh. Didn’t you learn anything from the Lost Boys? So Remmick tries to talk his way in by offering them what is essentially freedom in exchange for being a vampire. Think about that – If I were a black man in 1936 Mississippi, I’d take that deal. Hell, I’d take it now. That way I’d outlive my student loan payments. HIYOOOOOOO!!  Point being, even vampire movie cliches are totally different in this setting and context.

Fuck this Riverdance shit


The Veil Between Life and Death
Speaking of which, the racism in the movie is addressed but it’s not the main theme of the movie as it should be given the setting. It’s a vampire movie, not Roots. So there’s that scene at the end of Stack (or was it Smoke?) mowing down the klan with a machine gun, that might have been kind of tacked-on in an already long movie and HOLY SHIT THAT’S BUDDY GUY!!!!

I said that aloud in the theater and my gf looked at me like, “Who the fuck is Buddy Guy?” Only the greatest living bluesman who I had no idea he was in this and was only 70% sure he was still alive. This is not a Stan Lee cameo, it’s essential to the story. So much so it’s kind of wasted as a mid-credits scene. As if I needed to shit my pants again. Wait, do I have a spastic colon? You can’t get these details with AI.


Shit I noticed on the second viewing.

  • The film’s aspect ratio actually changes. Establishing shots and such were shot widescreen and then expand to a taller IMAX ratio. The Oscars are racist if cinematographer Autumn Durald doesn’t win an Oscar, I will punch a nun.
  • Awesome Goodfellas-esque tracking shot before THAT ONE SCENE that would be the coolest shot in any other movie. All the characters would impact the story later and it’s a perfect introduction.
  • Obviously the music is essential. This nerd video explains how the music started organic, acoustic just Sammie and the blues, then became progressively louder and more artifical as the story got darker and more vampirey. Shoutout to the man with the umlats – Music Supervisor, Ludwig Göransson! My blog is huge in Sweden.

  • Since this was released in April, there’s a lot of “overrated” and don’t believe the hyper posts – fuck those guys. If you can’t geek out and shit yourself every now and then, what’s the point of going to movies, let alone posting about them

SINNERS vs. CROSSROADS PART ONE

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Who wins: Creed vs. Daniel-San? We’re back to answer to cinema’s unasked questions.

Stanley and I apologize for letting the blog slack. We haven’t reviewed since…when was Exorcist: Believer? Oh shit that long ago, huh? Well, we’re back with a new focus and dedication. All it took was tendon replacement surgery in my ankle to make me bored enough to revisit this blog.  But luckily I did see Sinners before the surgery. And holy shit – finally we get the black historical drama/vampire/gangster musical we didn’t know we needed.  That doesn’t do it justice. Let me try again.

It you merged From Dusk Till Dawn, Miller’s Crossing, Shaft, Goodfellas, The Twilight Zone, The Thing and Riverdance you would get Sinners. Great artists steal as the saying goes and Ryan Coogler took all these moving parts to make a genre-defying, spooky masterpiece. If there’s one movie you need to see before major surgery- this, is it. We’ll do a deep dive on Sinners, but first, this may be the only chance I have to confess to you, dear blog subscriber who’s probably a friend of mine, my sinful past and why I was wearing John Popper’s fat guy hat for a brief phase in 1990. (Cue flashback music)

Like young blues phenom Sammie in Sinners, I too can pinpoint the dubious moment when I turned away from the lord’s light and instead chose a life of unrepentant sin on my way to being the ruthless, amoral, billionaire movie blogger I am today. You guessed it – I stole a CD from Shop-Rite Video! I figured I was going to hell anyway due to excessively masturbating to naked natives in National Geographic all morning, so why not expand my musical pallet too?  Also, video stores carried CDs in those days. Weird.

But it wasn’t just any CD. It was Robert Johnson: The Complete Recordings. Who’s Robert Johnson, you ask? Why he’s King of the Delta Blues, dummy. It says so on the box. Wait, that’s a double CD in a big box – how shitty was the security in Shop-Rite video?

I swear there was a video store annex!


Finally, I actually listened to the damn thing and holy shit – it was so eerie, so authentic, so seductive, I was instantly hooked. It was more than just the thrill of petty larceny.  I hadn’t felt like this since Native Tongue by Poison the month before. Could this guy be better than CC DeVille? But there was legend behind it too. Johnson I mean, not CC. But I guess their both legends.

In 1936 Johnson supposedly sold his soul to the devil at the oddly specific intersection of routes 61 and 49 in Clarksdale, Mississippi. (Didn’t Satan have an office?) Next to Abe’s BBQ according to Google – in exchange to be the greatest bluesman ever or some shit. Then he died under mysterious circumstances two years later becoming the first member of the 27 club. (Though his actual age like all things with Johnson, his actual age is disputed)

My fashion hero in 1990

Something far worse than losing my soul happened to me on that day – I entered my insufferable blues phase! Sure, I liked the music, but it was the smug satisfaction of telling all the kids at school how everyone from Led Zeppelin, Eric Clapton to Falco derived from Robert Johnson I found so enticing. (Yes there was a gospel version of Rock Me, Amedeus) I even got a bluesman hat which on a white guy is just a fat guy hat. I call it the John Popper Principle.

I thought Johnson’s story would have made a perfect movie but, little did I know a movie loosely based on Johnson was made four years earlier, Crossroads starring noted black man, Ralph Macchio. Wait he’s not black? Italian? Close enough. Ladies and gentlemen – the 80’s!

CROSSROADS (1986)

Rating: 2.5 out of 5.

If white people made Sinners, it would be…. Crossroads? These are the thoughts in your brain when you’re doped up on painkillers for a week. Dammit, now that I thought of this movie, I have to watch it and review it real quick.  Crossroads – actually not bad but it could have been the Oxy talking. Let’s discuss this 39 year old movie no one remembers.

Given the subject matter, I also wondered if it could be problematic by today’s standards. It really wasn’t exploitative as far as my white maleness could tell. Walter Hill’s (48 Hours, The Warriors) movie holds up surprisingly well.  In fact, it’s downright culturally sensitive compared to Soul Man. Anyone remember Soul Man? C. Thomas Howell in blackface? No, this was a real movie! James Earl Jones was in it, so it’s okay to like it, right?

In 1986, C. Thomas Howell was considered black

Wisely, Crossroads really doesn’t have any more social commentary than Brittney Spear’s Crossroads movie does. It’s light and breezy 80’s fun salvaged by Joe Seneca’s performance as Johnsonesque bluesman Willie Brown. He brings some much-needed authenticity to the film and when I say authenticity, I mean you know his uh, blackness.

When we first meet Seneca’s legendary bluesman Willie Brown/ Blind Dog Fulton, he’s in a decrepit nursing home in the Bronx. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s hiding out from Satan or waiting on royalty checks from Led Zeppelin . (Willie, bubeleh, hate to break it to you…those just ain’t comin’) He also made a pact with Satan and knows it won’t be long before he’ll show up to collect. But The Karate Kid shows up instead. Yes this was a real movie! You’re googling Soul Man right now, aren’t you?

“Where I’m from, if you don’t blow no harp, you don’t get no pussy,”

Willie brown/ Blind dog fulton, 1986

Enter eager beaver and budding bluesman Eugene (Macchio) Dude, what did I just say about white guys wearing blues hats? It’s hard not to laugh when he introduces himself as “Lightning Boy.” Whatever. They escape, and hijinks ensue on their way to Mississippi. Probably the best thing about the movie is the surprising chemistry with Seneca and Macchio. No really. Willie breaks his balls constantly, kind of saying what the audience is thinking – namely gudios from Long Island can’t feel the blues. I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT! WE CAN TOO!

I can’t even think of a caption for this

Dated in some parts sure, but what other film climaxes in such an epic guitar wank-off? Eugene the Lightning Boy vs. Satan locked in a battle for Willie’s soul. Wait, then why isn’t he playing then? After a certain age you get to pick a proxy guy? What the fuck? I’m beginning to think this Satan fellow isn’t the most ethical businessman around. Naturally, Satan picks Steve Vai. If you don’t know, Vai is an actual guitar virtuoso, who played with David Lee Roth and Frank Zappa.

I’m still a sucker for this scene, and if you’re a middle aged man who hangs out at Guitar Center in Paramus, you would be too. For everyone else, two white guys shredding to see who’s the greatest blues man alive, is like watching Ivan Drago fight Rocky for the heavyweight championship. It’s downright cartoonish compared to the music sequences in Sinners but it’s niche audience will enjoy Crossroads for what it is. Watch it while practicing your minor pentatonic scales.

Okay this ran long as fuck, so I divided it into halves. I’ll post a deep dive into Sinners next week.

THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER (2023)

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Well I only saw the first 40 minutes, but I think that was enough.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5.

Photoshopping Stanley in here was taking way too long.

I986 was a banner year. I discovered horror movies, Led Zeppelin II and the giant pile of Swank magazines hidden in the ceiling of the Ramsey NJ Free Public Library men’s room. Ahhh simpler times. And despite my vigorous pursuit of the world masturbation record that ensued, I managed to watch Happy Birthday to Me, Evilspeak, Maximum Overdrive, all four Friday the 13ths, and Faces of Death that year, thanks to the miracle of VHS. I was just about desensitized, set to move away from my horror movie phase and resume my one-man war on Hostess Fruit Pies. Until I saw The Exorcist, which in 1986 was somehow suitable for a twelve year old.

The home base of Northern NJ’s fledgeling porn industry

Not only was it the scariest, most pants shitting, movie I’ve ever seen, it was a true story! Well, “based on” a true story but I took it as scripture in a way I never took scripture as scripture.
To make matters worse – I had this friend, to protect his identity, we’ll just call him “Diccon” – anyway he decided to ask our mild-mannered pastor, Father Brennan if The Exorcist was indeed a true story. To which Father Brennan said it was! And if we lost our faith in the church we could become possessed at any given moment. Ladies and Gentleman – the Catholic Church!

So at the age of 12 I had to worry about demonic possession in addition to pudding-breath, back acne and random sweatpants boners.  No wonder I turned into such a well-adjusted adult. Regardless I was sleeping with a bible under my bed and I gave up masturbation. Longest three days of my life.


I was sleeping with a bible under my bed and I gave up masturbation. Longest three days of my life.

By contrast the Exorcist sequels couldn’t even give a mild hersheysquirt. The Exoricst II was as incomprehensible as your student film and Exorcist III – well Patrick Ewing played an angel in a dream sequence, so you know it was totally coherent. (More on that later) As it turns out those are no longer canon anyway. So The Exorcist: Believer – a Blumhouse Halloween-esque “requel” with Ellen Burstyn returning as Chris MacNeil – couldn’t suck that bad. Right? Well fuck. I’ll never know.

The film itself starts with a flashback to an earthquake in Haiti. I can only assume this foreshadowed…something, because this is a really exposition-y way to open the film. Crawling slowly to the present, two little girls go missing. We spend a TON of time looking for them, even thought we already know they’re totally possessed – it’s in the trailer, bruh. The first act plays more like a Law and Order episode than an Exorcist sequel. I was bored shitless and everything went dark. Literally. The power went out.

I’m not saying it was Satan…BUT…

Finally, I was scared! Was that part of the movie? It was pitch black and I was the only one in the theater unless the demon Pazuzu snuck in during the trailers. After waiting for the film to re-start for what seemed like hours, I ventured out into the lobby. Just a power outage, nothing satanic. (Although that’s just what Satan would want us to think.) The power was out in all the theaters and in the whole strip mall. (Yes it’s Atlanta, we have art cinema in strip malls) I felt worse for the people watching The Creator, there was only 15 minutes left and that was actually good. So after about 40 minutes I wandered off, got my voucher, looted some vegetable tzatziki dip from Trader Joe’s and headed home.

From what I hear, the power outage was an act of mercy. But I still need some Halloween content, so I watched the Exorcist III and here’s a quickie review.

THE EXORCIST III (1990)

“Why aren’t there any fucking Exorcists in this movie” – Pope John Paul II

Rating: 2.5 out of 5.

Patrick Ewing playing an angel is just the beginning of it’s problems. Actually it’s not so crazy in the context of the film but at some point the filmmakers were like, “Yea it’s good but what if we added Fabio?”

Ewing and Fabio better 1-2 punch than Ewing and John Starks?

The Exorcist III plays like author of the original Exorcist novel, William Peter Blatty trying and ultimately failing to film his novel, Legion exactly as he had written it. With a ridiculous studio-enforced 180 degree turn at the end. Because that’s exactly what happened. Now if you know going in, you’ll find some things in here that a truly frightening, which I suspect originate in the source material. Legion could have been a poor man’s Silence of the Lambs or Seven. Instead it’s a clunky, wordy thriller dressed up as an Exorcist sequel.

There are so many scenes of character A talking to character B about character C, Blatty really should have let somebody adapt his novel, let alone trying to direct it himself too. That being said it’s not the worst thing I’ve seen. George C. Scott and Ed Flanders making demon salad out of demon shit. But there aren’t any fucking demons in this movie. So throw Father Karras in there. Wait, what?

George C. Scott in Man getting Hit by Football

Father Karras – he of the most famous fatal staircase tumble in cinema history? Yea Jason Miller is in it, sort of. He’s “Patient X” not Father Karras. He seems to show up sporadically just to remind people it’s an Exorcist movie. Which honestly holds the movie back because Brad Doriuf is actually really good as the Gemini Killer. Who is occasionally Father Karras as a hallucination only Kinderman (Scott) can see. Yes, you read that correctly. Okay we have a supernatural thriller but no Exorcist. So one was added. Sloppily.

Father Morning, who was never mentioned
shows up one hour and thirty five minutes into the movie

Father Morning, who was never mentioned, or alluded to previously FINALLY appears to do the lord’s work – 1:35 into the movie!!! Which would be fine if it was a three hour movie but it’s a seven minute quickie Exorcism. If this guy showed up in the first one, they wouldn’t have even had to wake up Father Merrin from his afternoon nap. Boom. Speaking of things that could have been resolved easily. the Publix sub I ordered wasn’t there on my way home. Satan works in mysterious ways.

Trivia: When The Exorcist was nominated for Best Picture in 1973, it was the last time the Catholic Church had any kind of good PR.