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SINNERS VS. CROSSROADS PART TWO

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SINNERS (2025)

You’re racist if you don’t like this movie.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5.

Sorry I didn’t finish my earlier attempt at a Sinners review, I got distracted by a 39-year-old Ralph Macchio movie. AS I WAS SAYING…

It you merged From Dusk Till Dawn, Miller’s Crossing, Shaft, Goodfellas, The Twilight Zone, The Thing and Riverdance you would get Sinners. Ryan Coogler took all these moving parts to make a genre-defying, spooky masterpiece. If there’s one movie you need to see before major surgery- this, is it.

If you’re the kind of person that only goes to a movie theater once a year, make it Sinners. Ryan Coolger’s created a true movie-going experience, and nothing less than a gargantuan IMAX screen with bowel loosening surround sound will suffice here. For me it’s just not a five-star movie unless I shit myself in one of those reclining AMC chairs. In related news, avoid seat H12 at Madison Yards AMC, theater 2.

Last Train to Clarksdale
Immersive – I’ll say it again. Coogler really gives you a feel for what a racist, sweltering hellhole plantation-era Mississippi must have been as opposed to the racist, sweltering hellhole it is today. It feels like you know the exact date this film takes place, also they tell you – October 16th 1936. Which just so happens to be the day Robert Johnson supposedly made his deal with the devil. (See part 1) AND  HOLY SHIT – that’s the same date – October 16th, 1990, I stole that CD from Shop-Rite video! Nah, but can you imagine? That would be freaky. Point being Coogler really did his homework on this and it shows. There’s so many cool historical McNuggets, you need two viewings to see it all, luckily I did just that.

The actors are really good too. As the Smokestack twins, Michael B. Jordan has so much presence and charisma, you don’t even give a shit that he’s playing identical twins. You get to hear Halllie Steinfeld say all the filthy shit you dreamed of and the white guy who plays the Remmick the evil, uh, more evil vampire – was terrifying and a fine dancer.

The devil made me shoplift this CD

If you don’t have a convincing young bluesman, it all goes to shit.  Well, Ralph Macchio was booked on Karate Kid: Legends so they got someone named Miles Canto, who is a real musician apparently. This is his film debut as Sammie and shit – He’s the Scottie B. Pippen to Michael B. Jordan.  You need to believe he can play, sing and conjure spirits from another world, because that’s exactly what Sammie does in THAT ONE SCENE. If you’ve seen it, you know the one I’m talking about.

THAT ONE SCENE
It’s futile to try and describe, so let me try. Sammie finally plays a song in the club and what follows is one of the most mesmerizing and original sequences I’ve ever seen in non-porno film. Yes even The Flintbones. Not only that, it summarizes the theme of the movie, how all different kinds of music can be joyous, sexy, seductive and even evil. As the opening voice over said, “There are legends of people born with the gift of making music so true. It can pierce the veil between life and death.” Yea this movie is good but wait, where are the fucking vampires in this thing?

Sir, I suddenly find your manner as distasteful as your cognac.

– Blacula

The second half of Sinners is basically a conventional vampire movie, tropes and all. Until that point, Sinners could have been historical fiction, a gang movie, hell even a musical and it still would have been good.  The change in tone did seem abrupt to some and even I ask myself, “Do you even need vampires?” Yes. Fuck yes. Because the second half is one of the best vampire movies I’ve ever seen. Take that, Blacula!

Fun Fact: William Marshall, Blacula himself is also the King of Cartoons from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. WTF?

What if Max the Head Vampire was black?
If you thought the Irish were pale and scary, you should see Irish vampires. HIYOOOOOOOOO.
As I was saying in Remmick’s case, his motivations are relatable. It would have been easy to make him the white devil or a KKK guy (more on that later), instead he’s an Irishman who got fucked out his land, which adds more spice to the soufflé.

Obviously, a vampire can only enter you home if you invite him in, duh. Didn’t you learn anything from the Lost Boys? So Remmick tries to talk his way in by offering them what is essentially freedom in exchange for being a vampire. Think about that – If I were a black man in 1936 Mississippi, I’d take that deal. Hell, I’d take it now. That way I’d outlive my student loan payments. HIYOOOOOOO!!  Point being, even vampire movie cliches are totally different in this setting and context.

Fuck this Riverdance shit


The Veil Between Life and Death
Speaking of which, the racism in the movie is addressed but it’s not the main theme of the movie as it should be given the setting. It’s a vampire movie, not Roots. So there’s that scene at the end of Stack (or was it Smoke?) mowing down the klan with a machine gun, that might have been kind of tacked-on in an already long movie and HOLY SHIT THAT’S BUDDY GUY!!!!

I said that aloud in the theater and my gf looked at me like, “Who the fuck is Buddy Guy?” Only the greatest living bluesman who I had no idea he was in this and was only 70% sure he was still alive. This is not a Stan Lee cameo, it’s essential to the story. So much so it’s kind of wasted as a mid-credits scene. As if I needed to shit my pants again. Wait, do I have a spastic colon? You can’t get these details with AI.


Shit I noticed on the second viewing.

  • The film’s aspect ratio actually changes. Establishing shots and such were shot widescreen and then expand to a taller IMAX ratio. The Oscars are racist if cinematographer Autumn Durald doesn’t win an Oscar, I will punch a nun.
  • Awesome Goodfellas-esque tracking shot before THAT ONE SCENE that would be the coolest shot in any other movie. All the characters would impact the story later and it’s a perfect introduction.
  • Obviously the music is essential. This nerd video explains how the music started organic, acoustic just Sammie and the blues, then became progressively louder and more artifical as the story got darker and more vampirey. Shoutout to the man with the umlats – Music Supervisor, Ludwig Göransson! My blog is huge in Sweden.

  • Since this was released in April, there’s a lot of “overrated” and don’t believe the hyper posts – fuck those guys. If you can’t geek out and shit yourself every now and then, what’s the point of going to movies, let alone posting about them

SINNERS vs. CROSSROADS PART ONE

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Who wins: Creed vs. Daniel-San? We’re back to answer to cinema’s unasked questions.

Stanley and I apologize for letting the blog slack. We haven’t reviewed since…when was Exorcist: Believer? Oh shit that long ago, huh? Well, we’re back with a new focus and dedication. All it took was tendon replacement surgery in my ankle to make me bored enough to revisit this blog.  But luckily I did see Sinners before the surgery. And holy shit – finally we get the black historical drama/vampire/gangster musical we didn’t know we needed.  That doesn’t do it justice. Let me try again.

It you merged From Dusk Till Dawn, Miller’s Crossing, Shaft, Goodfellas, The Twilight Zone, The Thing and Riverdance you would get Sinners. Great artists steal as the saying goes and Ryan Coogler took all these moving parts to make a genre-defying, spooky masterpiece. If there’s one movie you need to see before major surgery- this, is it. We’ll do a deep dive on Sinners, but first, this may be the only chance I have to confess to you, dear blog subscriber who’s probably a friend of mine, my sinful past and why I was wearing John Popper’s fat guy hat for a brief phase in 1990. (Cue flashback music)

Like young blues phenom Sammie in Sinners, I too can pinpoint the dubious moment when I turned away from the lord’s light and instead chose a life of unrepentant sin on my way to being the ruthless, amoral, billionaire movie blogger I am today. You guessed it – I stole a CD from Shop-Rite Video! I figured I was going to hell anyway due to excessively masturbating to naked natives in National Geographic all morning, so why not expand my musical pallet too?  Also, video stores carried CDs in those days. Weird.

But it wasn’t just any CD. It was Robert Johnson: The Complete Recordings. Who’s Robert Johnson, you ask? Why he’s King of the Delta Blues, dummy. It says so on the box. Wait, that’s a double CD in a big box – how shitty was the security in Shop-Rite video?

I swear there was a video store annex!


Finally, I actually listened to the damn thing and holy shit – it was so eerie, so authentic, so seductive, I was instantly hooked. It was more than just the thrill of petty larceny.  I hadn’t felt like this since Native Tongue by Poison the month before. Could this guy be better than CC DeVille? But there was legend behind it too. Johnson I mean, not CC. But I guess their both legends.

In 1936 Johnson supposedly sold his soul to the devil at the oddly specific intersection of routes 61 and 49 in Clarksdale, Mississippi. (Didn’t Satan have an office?) Next to Abe’s BBQ according to Google – in exchange to be the greatest bluesman ever or some shit. Then he died under mysterious circumstances two years later becoming the first member of the 27 club. (Though his actual age like all things with Johnson, his actual age is disputed)

My fashion hero in 1990

Something far worse than losing my soul happened to me on that day – I entered my insufferable blues phase! Sure, I liked the music, but it was the smug satisfaction of telling all the kids at school how everyone from Led Zeppelin, Eric Clapton to Falco derived from Robert Johnson I found so enticing. (Yes there was a gospel version of Rock Me, Amedeus) I even got a bluesman hat which on a white guy is just a fat guy hat. I call it the John Popper Principle.

I thought Johnson’s story would have made a perfect movie but, little did I know a movie loosely based on Johnson was made four years earlier, Crossroads starring noted black man, Ralph Macchio. Wait he’s not black? Italian? Close enough. Ladies and gentlemen – the 80’s!

CROSSROADS (1986)

Rating: 2.5 out of 5.

If white people made Sinners, it would be…. Crossroads? These are the thoughts in your brain when you’re doped up on painkillers for a week. Dammit, now that I thought of this movie, I have to watch it and review it real quick.  Crossroads – actually not bad but it could have been the Oxy talking. Let’s discuss this 39 year old movie no one remembers.

Given the subject matter, I also wondered if it could be problematic by today’s standards. It really wasn’t exploitative as far as my white maleness could tell. Walter Hill’s (48 Hours, The Warriors) movie holds up surprisingly well.  In fact, it’s downright culturally sensitive compared to Soul Man. Anyone remember Soul Man? C. Thomas Howell in blackface? No, this was a real movie! James Earl Jones was in it, so it’s okay to like it, right?

In 1986, C. Thomas Howell was considered black

Wisely, Crossroads really doesn’t have any more social commentary than Brittney Spear’s Crossroads movie does. It’s light and breezy 80’s fun salvaged by Joe Seneca’s performance as Johnsonesque bluesman Willie Brown. He brings some much-needed authenticity to the film and when I say authenticity, I mean you know his uh, blackness.

When we first meet Seneca’s legendary bluesman Willie Brown/ Blind Dog Fulton, he’s in a decrepit nursing home in the Bronx. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s hiding out from Satan or waiting on royalty checks from Led Zeppelin . (Willie, bubeleh, hate to break it to you…those just ain’t comin’) He also made a pact with Satan and knows it won’t be long before he’ll show up to collect. But The Karate Kid shows up instead. Yes this was a real movie! You’re googling Soul Man right now, aren’t you?

“Where I’m from, if you don’t blow no harp, you don’t get no pussy,”

Willie brown/ Blind dog fulton, 1986

Enter eager beaver and budding bluesman Eugene (Macchio) Dude, what did I just say about white guys wearing blues hats? It’s hard not to laugh when he introduces himself as “Lightning Boy.” Whatever. They escape, and hijinks ensue on their way to Mississippi. Probably the best thing about the movie is the surprising chemistry with Seneca and Macchio. No really. Willie breaks his balls constantly, kind of saying what the audience is thinking – namely gudios from Long Island can’t feel the blues. I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT! WE CAN TOO!

I can’t even think of a caption for this

Dated in some parts sure, but what other film climaxes in such an epic guitar wank-off? Eugene the Lightning Boy vs. Satan locked in a battle for Willie’s soul. Wait, then why isn’t he playing then? After a certain age you get to pick a proxy guy? What the fuck? I’m beginning to think this Satan fellow isn’t the most ethical businessman around. Naturally, Satan picks Steve Vai. If you don’t know, Vai is an actual guitar virtuoso, who played with David Lee Roth and Frank Zappa.

I’m still a sucker for this scene, and if you’re a middle aged man who hangs out at Guitar Center in Paramus, you would be too. For everyone else, two white guys shredding to see who’s the greatest blues man alive, is like watching Ivan Drago fight Rocky for the heavyweight championship. It’s downright cartoonish compared to the music sequences in Sinners but it’s niche audience will enjoy Crossroads for what it is. Watch it while practicing your minor pentatonic scales.

Okay this ran long as fuck, so I divided it into halves. I’ll post a deep dive into Sinners next week.

WE’RE BACK

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I had to shut the site down due to copyright issues. No wait, laziness. I shut it down due to an outbreak of extreme laziness. But now that one of us is recovering from ankle surgery – it’s a perfect time to re-launch the site and make my seven followers happy! Let the snarky reviews of obscure movies commence!! New content coming soon!!!!*

*Whenever I get around to it.

STOP MAKING SENSE (1984)

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Talking Head’s landmark concert film is back in theaters. For the first time in IMAX 4K with remastered sound and I simply will not shut the fuck up about it.

Rating: 5 out of 5.

“I don’t think they’e bad. I just don’t like them much.”

– my friend, julian on radiohead

That’s my friend for Julian for ya. Yea I know what you’re saying, “I got a friend who doesn’t like oysters…We agree to disagree….blah, blah, blah” But Julian also doesn’t like Bob Dylan or The Rolling Stones and he’s in band! WHAT THE FUCK? Good fella…. fine musician… that Julian but after typing all this out – I wonder if we should we still be friends. The only solution? Sporadically drive by his house and dump trash on his yard like Tom Cruise in All The Right Moves.

Some of Craig T. Nelson’s best work

But Julian’s never seen All the Right Moves either, (who has?) so the symbolism would be lost on him. Also he’s never heard Talking Heads, so another solution presented itself. A24, the studio that brings you horror movies you pretend to like, has re-released Stop Making Sense for the first time ever in IMAX, in 4K with remastered sound for it’s 40th anniversary. These are my terms: If Julian is sufficiently amazed. I’ll consider continuing my friendship with him. I said consider

Stop triggering me!

I’ve probably seen the movie ten times including a theatrical release in 2018 for the 35th anniversary. (How many re-releases does this thing have?) But I may as well have been watching for the first time too. The enhancements are incredible. The sound remaster is so intense, I had to wear my special “Oppenheimer pants-shitting pants.” IMAX puts you in the front row like a used groupie. You can really absorb the manic energy like never before. The physicality of the performance – spastic; yet somehow perfectly synced is still a marvel to behold and oh yea – 90 minutes of some of the greatest rock music ever made. This version, has to be seen and heard in IMAX theaters, streaming just won’t do.

As for the film itself, the opening is still the coolest opening to a concert since Ace Frehley’s infamous “flaming scrotum” intro on the Kiss Alive tour ’76. If you don’t know, the show opens with just David Byrne and a jam box, playing Psycho Killer along to a drum loop with the house lights still up.

The band members take the stage gradually, one per song, as drum risers are moved in and out, mics are set up and lighting rigs are wired in plain sight with fat-union guys in the shot, plain as day. Only they don’t interrupt the performance, they’re part of the performance.

Tina Weymouth follows on bass, then Chris Franz and Jerry Harrison making the Talking Heads we all know and who probably still hate each other. Eventually, a fully operational mothership version of the band with backup singers, extra percussion and keys – nine musicians in all take the stage. I was jealous of Julian – this is such a perfect way to be introduced to this band. The sequence of songs seems to tell a feature length story, which I never thought of until now. Also, I prefer a lot of the live versions here over the studio ones, especially Slippery People, Naive Melody and Once in A Lifetime. Eat a dick, Brian Eno!


Still the coolest opening to a concert since Ace Frehley’s
infamous “flaming scrotum” on the Kiss Alive tour ’76.

Life During Wartime is really on another level here. Jonathan Demme captures the intense energy of this song – the spastic, jogging in place dances, the sing along chorus – like a sped-up apocalyptic Sweating to the Oldies video. How is this even physically possible? I hurt my back just watching them. Even elitist critics who wouldn’t know Talking Heads from Styx understood they were seeing a great band at its’ peak. Picture Roger Ebert Dancing! You can’t unsee it!

That’s not Julian.

Speaking of dancing Tina Weymouth’s dance moves are contagious Her weird fucking backward crab-dance shuffle is just as fantastically awkward as Byrne’s iconic “big suit” dance. It was really cool seeing The Tom Tom Club’s Genius of Love included here, I don’t remember it being in the 35th anniversary cut or not. Also since it’s 2023, someone made a not at all creepy edit that’s just every shot she’s in. Yikes.

The Internet can make anything creepy

David Byrne’s routine with the lamp during Naive Melody it’s part Gene Kelly dance and Gallagher prop comedy routine, which I never knew I craved. Point being this somehow adds to a beautiful song instead of distracting from it. My only complaint is that Big Business > I Zimbra which has been added to the vinyl reissue, isn’t in it. Incidentally the vinyl reissue is a massive improvement, the entire concert is included instead of the paltry eight out of sequence songs of the original but that’s another obsessive and sad middle-aged blog post.

The last time I watched Stop Making Sense was right after I read Chris Frantz book, Remain in Love where he tears David Byrne another corn chute. This time around it’s at least slightly reassuring that Talking Heads are getting through the press tour without killing each other. Hey it’s not the reunion tour we all wished we got in 1995 but it’s a bit of healing. Speaking of which I asked Julian what he thought. He said, “Well, they say it’s the greatest concert movie of all time.” I said, “Okay but what do you think?” He said, “It’s the greatest concert movie of all time” Well no shit, Sherlock.

INDIANA JONES AND THE SPASTIC COLON

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Rating: 2.5 out of 5.

I walked in the theater thinking, “I know you’re going to suck. but please don’t suck as hard as last time.” Yep, the glory hole behind theater 2 at the Midtown Art Cinema is unpredictable these days, yet I keep turning up on Wednesdays. I also saw the new Indiana Jones last night.

YOU WANT GLORY HOLE JOKES, I GOT ‘EM. YOUR MOVE, LEONARD MALTIN!!! Oh, and Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny was pretty good. That is if you are okay with strong women, shirtless grandpas and a whackadoodle final act. Consider that your spoiler warning. 

Well we got an 80-year-old Harrison Ford, a ton of budget and production problems and a release date a whopping 15 years after the franchise’s lone embarrassing entry, 2008’s Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. So my expectations were simple – I just wanted an improvement over that fridge-nuking mess. They could do that, right….RIGHT? 

Correction of the Crystal Skull

We get about 7 minutes in, there’s a Wilhelm scream, John Williams’ score kicks in and Indy has killed three more Nazis than he did in the last movie, so already an improvement. No aliens, no CGI ants, no Shia La Jar Jar and the CGI de-aged Indy looks a hell of a lot better than Play Station 2 DeNiro in The Irishman. Apology accepted. That being said this isn’t quite  Indy as you remember him, unless you’re into octogenarian porn.

It’s not the years, it’s the mi-…no wait it’s the years

Finally, we have the shirtless scene of Indy in his undies that everyone wanted…back in 1984. I kid, I kid. I liked this take on Indy. A boozing, old curmudgeon in Grandpa undies yelling at his neighbors makes a lot of sense considering he’s fricking 80. Twice the age Danny Glover was in Lethal Weapon, and he was too old for this shit! 

I prefer this seeing his stunt double bounce off the walls in the last one. And as it turns out, he has a good reason for being a sullen grouch, which I’ll get to in a second but point being, it’s essential to the story to present Indy as a man out who at least thinks he’s outlived his usefulness. An invulnerable Indy at his age would have made no sense, but some people have a problem with that. 

The Bad

Fleabag vs. Short Round 

Not surprisingly, the internet has gone full Rose Tico on Phoebe Waller-Bridge  for having a vagina. For the record, I wasn’t crazy about her character myself, and it had shit to do with her being a sociopath or a Mary Sue or whatever the fuck incels say. 

I just found her too close to her character on Fleabag only her quips didn’t land. In fact, it resulted in some weird tonal issues and awkward dialogue exchanges. She also brought her own Short Round. Odd – but a helpful in covering potential plot holes.

But why do people have an issue with Helena saving Indy at the end? If anything the sidekick saving the main hero is a trope – fucking Short Round rescues him from Mola Ram at the end of Temple of Doom. Does that mean he made Indy a cuck? 

If I could turn back time…

“I would prevent my son enlisting.” Wait what? Holy shit. THAT’S what happened to Mutt? I mean I hated him but dying in Vietnam? That went dark – fast. Regardless, it’s a perfect way to explain his absence, fitting within the period’s historical context while also explaining why Indy has isolated from everyone.

Ironically, Shia LeBeouf brings a whole new level of depth to the story that he probably couldn’t have achieved if he were physically present in it. It’s really intriguing how the writers chose to say, “Poochie died on his way back to his home planet,” instead of taking a simpler route. By the way…

Don’t go away Mads

Also Mads Milkensen is a really smarmy Nazi with a great reveal – going back in time to kill Hitler and then lead Germany to victory in WWII? Well that’s awfully ambitious! Though I was a little disappointed his death wasn’t more gruesome. Couldn’t a roman hit his nutsack with a spear? Yea that’s right, I said, ‘Roman.”

Enchantment under the Siege 

Wait, Indiana Jones travels through time? At this point, why the hell not? It’s presented in a way that makes sense in the context of the story. Plus, there’s only so many times Indy can throw a Nazi off moving vehicle. Why not chuck him in ancient Sicily? 

Sure it plays like a Dr. Who episode but with a bigger budget, but I liked it. Indy staying in the ancient past seemed like fitting ending to the franchise. But you know what else is accepted in the Indy universe besides time travel? People who get knocked the fuck out with one punch. This time it’s Helena knocking out Indy to drag is old ass back to 1969. I’m sure the internet will have no problem with that. 

Ironically, Shia LeBeouf brings a whole new level of depth to the story that he probably couldn’t have achieved if he were actually in the movie.

Memory Almost Full 

And finally we do have the return of Marion Ravenwood, which was a nice touch. As I said there’s actually some restraint with the fan service and this is a nice bit of nostalgia that doesn’t pander. Though 20-40 minutes could have been lopped off this movie like so much foreskin.

Also shout out to the set dec guy for making Indy’s NY apartment look just like my Nana’s right down to the Grand Union shopping bags. Anyone remember Grand Union? Walbaum’s? Anyway…

If you compare it to Raiders, you won’t like it. If you compare it to Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, you will. But if you compare it to Raiders you probably complained that Paul McCartney’s Egypt Station isn’t as good as Rubber Soul. Can we just sit back and enjoy Flaming Pie?

Plot Hole: I don’t care about time travel plot holes because they never make sense. But why did Basil Shaw give the Dial to Indy only if he promised to destroy it? Why doesn’t he do it? You don’t have to drop it the fiery pits of Mordor, just hit it with a hammer. 

Prediction: EthanIsidore, who played Teddy, the uh…Moroccan Short Round, will win Best Actor at the 2062 Oscars.