Stephen and Stanley at the Movies

Erratic and occasionally erotic movie reviews with your pals, Steve and Stanley.

THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER (2023)

Posted on October 26, 2023 by stephenschifini

Well I only saw the first 40 minutes, but I think that was enough.

Photoshopping Stanley in here was taking way too long.

I986 was a banner year. I discovered horror movies, Led Zeppelin II and the giant pile of Swank magazines hidden in the ceiling of the Ramsey NJ Free Public Library men’s room. Ahhh simpler times. And despite my vigorous pursuit of the world masturbation record that ensued, I managed to watch Happy Birthday to Me, Evilspeak, Maximum Overdrive, all four Friday the 13ths, and Faces of Death that year, thanks to the miracle of VHS. I was just about desensitized, set to move away from my horror movie phase and resume my one-man war on Hostess Fruit Pies. Until I saw The Exorcist, which in 1986 was somehow suitable for a twelve year old.

The home base of Northern NJ’s fledgeling porn industry

Not only was it the scariest, most pants shitting, movie I’ve ever seen, it was a true story! Well, “based on” a true story but I took it as scripture in a way I never took scripture as scripture.
To make matters worse – I had this friend, to protect his identity, we’ll just call him “Diccon” – anyway he decided to ask our mild-mannered pastor, Father Brennan if The Exorcist was indeed a true story. To which Father Brennan said it was! And if we lost our faith in the church we could become possessed at any given moment. Ladies and Gentleman – the Catholic Church!

So at the age of 12 I had to worry about demonic possession in addition to pudding-breath, back acne and random sweatpants boners. No wonder I turned into such a well-adjusted adult. Regardless I was sleeping with a bible under my bed and I gave up masturbation. Longest three days of my life.

I was sleeping with a bible under my bed and I gave up masturbation. Longest three days of my life.

By contrast the Exorcist sequels couldn’t even give a mild hersheysquirt. The Exoricst II was as incomprehensible as your student film and Exorcist III – well Patrick Ewing played an angel in a dream sequence, so you know it was totally coherent. (More on that later) As it turns out those are no longer canon anyway. So The Exorcist: Believer – a Blumhouse Halloween-esque “requel” with Ellen Burstyn returning as Chris MacNeil – couldn’t suck that bad. Right? Well fuck. I’ll never know.

The film itself starts with a flashback to an earthquake in Haiti. I can only assume this foreshadowed…something, because this is a really exposition-y way to open the film. Crawling slowly to the present, two little girls go missing. We spend a TON of time looking for them, even thought we already know they’re totally possessed – it’s in the trailer, bruh. The first act plays more like a Law and Order episode than an Exorcist sequel. I was bored shitless and everything went dark. Literally. The power went out.

I’m not saying it was Satan…BUT…

Finally, I was scared! Was that part of the movie? It was pitch black and I was the only one in the theater unless the demon Pazuzu snuck in during the trailers. After waiting for the film to re-start for what seemed like hours, I ventured out into the lobby. Just a power outage, nothing satanic. (Although that’s just what Satan would want us to think.) The power was out in all the theaters and in the whole strip mall. (Yes it’s Atlanta, we have art cinema in strip malls) I felt worse for the people watching The Creator, there was only 15 minutes left and that was actually good. So after about 40 minutes I wandered off, got my voucher, looted some vegetable tzatziki dip from Trader Joe’s and headed home.

From what I hear, the power outage was an act of mercy. But I still need some Halloween content, so I watched the Exorcist III and here’s a quickie review.

THE EXORCIST III (1990)

“Why aren’t there any fucking Exorcists in this movie” – Pope John Paul II

Patrick Ewing playing an angel is just the beginning of it’s problems. Actually it’s not so crazy in the context of the film but at some point the filmmakers were like, “Yea it’s good but what if we added Fabio?”

Ewing and Fabio better 1-2 punch than Ewing and John Starks?

The Exorcist III plays like author of the original Exorcist novel, William Peter Blatty trying and ultimately failing to film his novel, Legion exactly as he had written it. With a ridiculous studio-enforced 180 degree turn at the end. Because that’s exactly what happened. Now if you know going in, you’ll find some things in here that a truly frightening, which I suspect originate in the source material. Legion could have been a poor man’s Silence of the Lambs or Seven. Instead it’s a clunky, wordy thriller dressed up as an Exorcist sequel.

There are so many scenes of character A talking to character B about character C, Blatty really should have let somebody adapt his novel, let alone trying to direct it himself too. That being said it’s not the worst thing I’ve seen. George C. Scott and Ed Flanders making demon salad out of demon shit. But there aren’t any fucking demons in this movie. So throw Father Karras in there. Wait, what?

George C. Scott in Man getting Hit by Football

Father Karras – he of the most famous fatal staircase tumble in cinema history? Yea Jason Miller is in it, sort of. He’s “Patient X” not Father Karras. He seems to show up sporadically just to remind people it’s an Exorcist movie. Which honestly holds the movie back because Brad Doriuf is actually really good as the Gemini Killer. Who is occasionally Father Karras as a hallucination only Kinderman (Scott) can see. Yes, you read that correctly. Okay we have a supernatural thriller but no Exorcist. So one was added. Sloppily.

Father Morning, who was never mentioned
shows up one hour and thirty five minutes into the movie

Father Morning, who was never mentioned, or alluded to previously FINALLY appears to do the lord’s work – 1:35 into the movie!!! Which would be fine if it was a three hour movie but it’s a seven minute quickie Exorcism. If this guy showed up in the first one, they wouldn’t have even had to wake up Father Merrin from his afternoon nap. Boom. Speaking of things that could have been resolved easily. the Publix sub I ordered wasn’t there on my way home. Satan works in mysterious ways.

Trivia: When The Exorcist was nominated for Best Picture in 1973, it was the last time the Catholic Church had any kind of good PR.

STOP MAKING SENSE (1984)

Posted on September 29, 2023 by stephenschifini

Talking Head’s landmark concert film is back in theaters. For the first time in IMAX 4K with remastered sound and I simply will not shut the fuck up about it.

“I don’t think they’e bad. I just don’t like them much.”
– my friend, julian on radiohead

That’s my friend for Julian for ya. Yea I know what you’re saying, “I got a friend who doesn’t like oysters…We agree to disagree….blah, blah, blah” But Julian also doesn’t like Bob Dylan or The Rolling Stones and he’s in band! WHAT THE FUCK? Good fella…. fine musician… that Julian but after typing all this out – I wonder if we should we still be friends. The only solution? Sporadically drive by his house and dump trash on his yard like Tom Cruise in All The Right Moves.

Some of Craig T. Nelson’s best work

But Julian’s never seen All the Right Moves either, (who has?) so the symbolism would be lost on him. Also he’s never heard Talking Heads, so another solution presented itself. A24, the studio that brings you horror movies you pretend to like, has re-released Stop Making Sense for the first time ever in IMAX, in 4K with remastered sound for it’s 40th anniversary. These are my terms: If Julian is sufficiently amazed. I’ll consider continuing my friendship with him. I said consider

Stop triggering me!

I’ve probably seen the movie ten times including a theatrical release in 2018 for the 35th anniversary. (How many re-releases does this thing have?) But I may as well have been watching for the first time too. The enhancements are incredible. The sound remaster is so intense, I had to wear my special “Oppenheimer pants-shitting pants.” IMAX puts you in the front row like a used groupie. You can really absorb the manic energy like never before. The physicality of the performance – spastic; yet somehow perfectly synced is still a marvel to behold and oh yea – 90 minutes of some of the greatest rock music ever made. This version, has to be seen and heard in IMAX theaters, streaming just won’t do.

As for the film itself, the opening is still the coolest opening to a concert since Ace Frehley’s infamous “flaming scrotum” intro on the Kiss Alive tour ’76. If you don’t know, the show opens with just David Byrne and a jam box, playing Psycho Killer along to a drum loop with the house lights still up.

The band members take the stage gradually, one per song, as drum risers are moved in and out, mics are set up and lighting rigs are wired in plain sight with fat-union guys in the shot, plain as day. Only they don’t interrupt the performance, they’re part of the performance.

Tina Weymouth follows on bass, then Chris Franz and Jerry Harrison making the Talking Heads we all know and who probably still hate each other. Eventually, a fully operational mothership version of the band with backup singers, extra percussion and keys – nine musicians in all take the stage. I was jealous of Julian – this is such a perfect way to be introduced to this band. The sequence of songs seems to tell a feature length story, which I never thought of until now. Also, I prefer a lot of the live versions here over the studio ones, especially Slippery People, Naive Melody and Once in A Lifetime. Eat a dick, Brian Eno!

Still the coolest opening to a concert since Ace Frehley’s
infamous “flaming scrotum” on the Kiss Alive tour ’76.

Life During Wartime is really on another level here. Jonathan Demme captures the intense energy of this song – the spastic, jogging in place dances, the sing along chorus – like a sped-up apocalyptic Sweating to the Oldies video. How is this even physically possible? I hurt my back just watching them. Even elitist critics who wouldn’t know Talking Heads from Styx understood they were seeing a great band at its’ peak. Picture Roger Ebert Dancing! You can’t unsee it!

That’s not Julian.

Speaking of dancing Tina Weymouth’s dance moves are contagious Her weird fucking backward crab-dance shuffle is just as fantastically awkward as Byrne’s iconic “big suit” dance. It was really cool seeing The Tom Tom Club’s Genius of Love included here, I don’t remember it being in the 35th anniversary cut or not. Also since it’s 2023, someone made a not at all creepy edit that’s just every shot she’s in. Yikes.

The Internet can make anything creepy

David Byrne’s routine with the lamp during Naive Melody it’s part Gene Kelly dance and Gallagher prop comedy routine, which I never knew I craved. Point being this somehow adds to a beautiful song instead of distracting from it. My only complaint is that Big Business > I Zimbra which has been added to the vinyl reissue, isn’t in it. Incidentally the vinyl reissue is a massive improvement, the entire concert is included instead of the paltry eight out of sequence songs of the original but that’s another obsessive and sad middle-aged blog post.

The last time I watched Stop Making Sense was right after I read Chris Frantz book, Remain in Love where he tears David Byrne another corn chute. This time around it’s at least slightly reassuring that Talking Heads are getting through the press tour without killing each other. Hey it’s not the reunion tour we all wished we got in 1995 but it’s a bit of healing. Speaking of which I asked Julian what he thought. He said, “Well, they say it’s the greatest concert movie of all time.” I said, “Okay but what do you think?” He said, “It’s the greatest concert movie of all time” Well no shit, Sherlock.

INDIANA JONES AND THE SPASTIC COLON

Posted on July 5, 2023 by stephenschifini

I walked in the theater thinking, “I know you’re going to suck. but please don’t suck as hard as last time.” Yep, the glory hole behind theater 2 at the Midtown Art Cinema is unpredictable these days, yet I keep turning up on Wednesdays. I also saw the new Indiana Jones last night.

YOU WANT GLORY HOLE JOKES, I GOT ‘EM. YOUR MOVE, LEONARD MALTIN!!! Oh, and Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny was pretty good. That is if you are okay with strong women, shirtless grandpas and a whackadoodle final act. Consider that your spoiler warning.

Well we got an 80-year-old Harrison Ford, a ton of budget and production problems and a release date a whopping 15 years after the franchise’s lone embarrassing entry, 2008’s Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. So my expectations were simple – I just wanted an improvement over that fridge-nuking mess. They could do that, right….RIGHT?

Correction of the Crystal Skull

We get about 7 minutes in, there’s a Wilhelm scream, John Williams’ score kicks in and Indy has killed three more Nazis than he did in the last movie, so already an improvement. No aliens, no CGI ants, no Shia La Jar Jar and the CGI de-aged Indy looks a hell of a lot better than Play Station 2 DeNiro in The Irishman. Apology accepted. That being said this isn’t quite Indy as you remember him, unless you’re into octogenarian porn.

It’s not the years, it’s the mi-…no wait it’s the years

Finally, we have the shirtless scene of Indy in his undies that everyone wanted…back in 1984. I kid, I kid. I liked this take on Indy. A boozing, old curmudgeon in Grandpa undies yelling at his neighbors makes a lot of sense considering he’s fricking 80. Twice the age Danny Glover was in Lethal Weapon, and he was too old for this shit!

I prefer this seeing his stunt double bounce off the walls in the last one. And as it turns out, he has a good reason for being a sullen grouch, which I’ll get to in a second but point being, it’s essential to the story to present Indy as a man out who at least thinks he’s outlived his usefulness. An invulnerable Indy at his age would have made no sense, but some people have a problem with that.

The Bad

Fleabag vs. Short Round

Not surprisingly, the internet has gone full Rose Tico on Phoebe Waller-Bridge for having a vagina. For the record, I wasn’t crazy about her character myself, and it had shit to do with her being a sociopath or a Mary Sue or whatever the fuck incels say.

I just found her too close to her character on Fleabag only her quips didn’t land. In fact, it resulted in some weird tonal issues and awkward dialogue exchanges. She also brought her own Short Round. Odd – but a helpful in covering potential plot holes.

But why do people have an issue with Helena saving Indy at the end? If anything the sidekick saving the main hero is a trope – fucking Short Round rescues him from Mola Ram at the end of Temple of Doom. Does that mean he made Indy a cuck?

If I could turn back time…

“I would prevent my son enlisting.” Wait what? Holy shit. THAT’S what happened to Mutt? I mean I hated him but dying in Vietnam? That went dark – fast. Regardless, it’s a perfect way to explain his absence, fitting within the period’s historical context while also explaining why Indy has isolated from everyone.

Ironically, Shia LeBeouf brings a whole new level of depth to the story that he probably couldn’t have achieved if he were physically present in it. It’s really intriguing how the writers chose to say, “Poochie died on his way back to his home planet,” instead of taking a simpler route. By the way…

Don’t go away Mads

Also Mads Milkensen is a really smarmy Nazi with a great reveal – going back in time to kill Hitler and then lead Germany to victory in WWII? Well that’s awfully ambitious! Though I was a little disappointed his death wasn’t more gruesome. Couldn’t a roman hit his nutsack with a spear? Yea that’s right, I said, ‘Roman.”

Enchantment under the Siege

Wait, Indiana Jones travels through time? At this point, why the hell not? It’s presented in a way that makes sense in the context of the story. Plus, there’s only so many times Indy can throw a Nazi off moving vehicle. Why not chuck him in ancient Sicily?

Sure it plays like a Dr. Who episode but with a bigger budget, but I liked it. Indy staying in the ancient past seemed like fitting ending to the franchise. But you know what else is accepted in the Indy universe besides time travel? People who get knocked the fuck out with one punch. This time it’s Helena knocking out Indy to drag is old ass back to 1969. I’m sure the internet will have no problem with that.

Ironically, Shia LeBeouf brings a whole new level of depth to the story that he probably couldn’t have achieved if he were actually in the movie.

Memory Almost Full

And finally we do have the return of Marion Ravenwood, which was a nice touch. As I said there’s actually some restraint with the fan service and this is a nice bit of nostalgia that doesn’t pander. Though 20-40 minutes could have been lopped off this movie like so much foreskin.

Also shout out to the set dec guy for making Indy’s NY apartment look just like my Nana’s right down to the Grand Union shopping bags. Anyone remember Grand Union? Walbaum’s? Anyway…

If you compare it to Raiders, you won’t like it. If you compare it to Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, you will. But if you compare it to Raiders you probably complained that Paul McCartney’s Egypt Station isn’t as good as Rubber Soul. Can we just sit back and enjoy Flaming Pie?

Plot Hole: I don’t care about time travel plot holes because they never make sense. But why did Basil Shaw give the Dial to Indy only if he promised to destroy it? Why doesn’t he do it? You don’t have to drop it the fiery pits of Mordor, just hit it with a hammer.

Prediction: EthanIsidore, who played Teddy, the uh…Moroccan Short Round, will win Best Actor at the 2062 Oscars.