Who wins: Creed vs. Daniel-San? We’re back to answer to cinema’s unasked questions.

It you merged From Dusk Till Dawn, Miller’s Crossing, Shaft, Goodfellas, The Twilight Zone, The Thing and Riverdance you would get Sinners. Great artists steal as the saying goes and Ryan Coogler took all these moving parts to make a genre-defying, spooky masterpiece. If there’s one movie you need to see before major surgery- this, is it. We’ll do a deep dive on Sinners, but first, this may be the only chance I have to confess to you, dear blog subscriber who’s probably a friend of mine, my sinful past and why I was wearing John Popper’s fat guy hat for a brief phase in 1990. (Cue flashback music)

Like young blues phenom Sammie in Sinners, I too can pinpoint the dubious moment when I turned away from the lord’s light and instead chose a life of unrepentant sin on my way to being the ruthless, amoral, billionaire movie blogger I am today. You guessed it – I stole a CD from Shop-Rite Video! I figured I was going to hell anyway due to excessively masturbating to naked natives in National Geographic all morning, so why not expand my musical pallet too?  Also, video stores carried CDs in those days. Weird.

But it wasn’t just any CD. It was Robert Johnson: The Complete Recordings. Who’s Robert Johnson, you ask? Why he’s King of the Delta Blues, dummy. It says so on the box. Wait, that’s a double CD in a big box – how shitty was the security in Shop-Rite video?

Something far worse than losing my soul happened to me on that day – I entered my insufferable blues phase! Sure, I liked the music, but it was the smug satisfaction of telling all the kids at school how everyone from Led Zeppelin, Eric Clapton to Falco derived from Robert Johnson I found so enticing. (Yes there was a gospel version of Rock Me, Amedeus) I even got a bluesman hat which on a white guy is just a fat guy hat. I call it the John Popper Principle.

I thought Johnson’s story would have made a perfect movie but, little did I know a movie loosely based on Johnson was made four years earlier, Crossroads starring noted black man, Ralph Macchio. Wait he’s not black? Italian? Close enough. Ladies and gentlemen – the 80’s!

CROSSROADS (1986)

If white people made Sinners, it would be…. Crossroads? These are the thoughts in your brain when you’re doped up on painkillers for a week. Dammit, now that I thought of this movie, I have to watch it and review it real quick.  Crossroads – actually not bad but it could have been the Oxy talking. Let’s discuss this 39 year old movie no one remembers.

Given the subject matter, I also wondered if it could be problematic by today’s standards. It really wasn’t exploitative as far as my white maleness could tell. Walter Hill’s (48 Hours, The Warriors) movie holds up surprisingly well.  In fact, it’s downright culturally sensitive compared to Soul Man. Anyone remember Soul Man? C. Thomas Howell in blackface? No, this was a real movie! James Earl Jones was in it, so it’s okay to like it, right?

Wisely, Crossroads really doesn’t have any more social commentary than Brittney Spear’s Crossroads movie does. It’s light and breezy 80’s fun salvaged by Joe Seneca’s performance as Johnsonesque bluesman Willie Brown. He brings some much-needed authenticity to the film and when I say authenticity, I mean you know his uh, blackness.

When we first meet Seneca’s legendary bluesman Willie Brown/ Blind Dog Fulton, he’s in a decrepit nursing home in the Bronx. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s hiding out from Satan or waiting on royalty checks from Led Zeppelin . (Willie, bubeleh, hate to break it to you…those just ain’t comin’) He also made a pact with Satan and knows it won’t be long before he’ll show up to collect. But The Karate Kid shows up instead. Yes this was a real movie! You’re googling Soul Man right now, aren’t you?

“Where I’m from, if you don’t blow no harp, you don’t get no pussy,”

Willie brown/ Blind dog fulton, 1986

Enter eager beaver and budding bluesman Eugene (Macchio) Dude, what did I just say about white guys wearing blues hats? It’s hard not to laugh when he introduces himself as “Lightning Boy.” Whatever. They escape, and hijinks ensue on their way to Mississippi. Probably the best thing about the movie is the surprising chemistry with Seneca and Macchio. No really. Willie breaks his balls constantly, kind of saying what the audience is thinking – namely gudios from Long Island can’t feel the blues. I CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT! WE CAN TOO!

Dated in some parts sure, but what other film climaxes in such an epic guitar wank-off? Eugene the Lightning Boy vs. Satan locked in a battle for Willie’s soul. Wait, then why isn’t he playing then? After a certain age you get to pick a proxy guy? What the fuck? I’m beginning to think this Satan fellow isn’t the most ethical businessman around. Naturally, Satan picks Steve Vai. If you don’t know, Vai is an actual guitar virtuoso, who played with David Lee Roth and Frank Zappa.

I’m still a sucker for this scene, and if you’re a middle aged man who hangs out at Guitar Center in Paramus, you would be too. For everyone else, two white guys shredding to see who’s the greatest blues man alive, is like watching Ivan Drago fight Rocky for the heavyweight championship. It’s downright cartoonish compared to the music sequences in Sinners but it’s niche audience will enjoy Crossroads for what it is. Watch it while practicing your minor pentatonic scales.

Okay this ran long as fuck, so I divided it into halves. I’ll post a deep dive into Sinners next week.